Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
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me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.