[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
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One venti cheeseburger please.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said