Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
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Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.