Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
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am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
This could’ve been an email.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Siri: Retweet me.
God has abandoned us.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
True freaking story!
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’