The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
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One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Art by Pastelkatto
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*