“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
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I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now