My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
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[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Camping tip: No.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
And they lived apathetically ever after.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.