[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
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Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
did it work
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Knock Knock
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Lmfao
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming