#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
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Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance