Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
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*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.