My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
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God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy