when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
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me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
I’M CRYINGGG
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not