My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
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“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs