I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
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So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.