Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
You Might Also Like
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.