Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
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If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Single and childfree like Jesus
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.