me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
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Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
tis the season
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
So, can we agree on 4 or
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
I didn’t realize that was an option
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole