Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
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My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over