what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
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Bootstraps
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Green is just blue that someone peed in
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.