Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
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*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Jesus Christ lmao
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
🤣could you imagine
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!