When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
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I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.