[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
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The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea