Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
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Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.