Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
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Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.