I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
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You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?