There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
You Might Also Like
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week