Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
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Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.