How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
You Might Also Like
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.