My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
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Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
your honor my client chooses dare
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game