7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
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Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?