I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
You Might Also Like
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.