Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
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I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.