Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
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Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no