My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
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People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Do one person every day that scares you.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.