me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
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When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.