Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
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Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
I think this should do it.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name