The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
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Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
new wife guy just dropped
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.