Can’t, holding a grudge
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I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.