Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
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self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
i love modern commerce
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots