Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
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My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Watson was Holmes schooled
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.