Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
You Might Also Like
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
how much does a mortician urn in a year
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot