If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
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I’m ready for Halloween this year
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
If I ignore life will it go away?
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.