mmm onion ringos
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I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
This could’ve been an email.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.