I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
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sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
mom gave me mine for free