ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
You Might Also Like
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
I’m awake but I object,
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra