If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
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Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
I’m not stressed
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.