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[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
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My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something