When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
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Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
As the Lord intended
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.