Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
You Might Also Like
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch