Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
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No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
The Book. The Movie.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
I’m not proud
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
It wasn鈥檛 no corona till y鈥檃ll started balancing brooms in the house, y鈥檃ll let the devil in
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Friend: How鈥檇 you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 馃ぃ
I don鈥檛 know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Ugh I鈥檝e put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
GOOD COP: I鈥檓 going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I鈥檓 going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points